Oops. I swallowed some glass.
I know, I know. A stupid thing to do. But in my defense, it wasn’t intentional!
But no! I was thwarted! Our only bottle opener is attached to Alex’s keychain, which is Montreal. With Alex. Hmmmmm. Not to be denied, I started searching the apartment for any item that could function like a bottle opener. And I quickly found this:
I know, it’s a can opener. But can opener and bottle opener are suspiciously similar, no? I mean, they both have “opener” in them, and cans and bottles are practically the same thing, right? So in my perfectly logical state of mind, I begin prying the bottle top off with the can opener. And a few moments later … Success!
The bottle is open! I take a big swig, but notice something funny sliding down my throat. (This signifcantly dampens my enjoyment of the swig, by the way.) I peer down at the glass…. and say to myself….. “What ho?! There appears to be a chip of glass missing from the top of the bottle!”
It’s hard to get a picture of the giant, gaping hole along the rim. Here’s another shot looking down from the top. You can see it on the right side edge. It appears that in my enthusiastic application of the can opener, I may have damaged the bottle. Oops.
So the possibilities are that A) I swallowed it; or B) I just imagined swallowing it and it really fell on the counter or floor somewhere. I did sweep up, but I didn’t find anything.
Now, of course, trying to do something constructive in my current situation, I start googling “What happens when you eat glass” and “Accidently swallowed glass” … and let’s just say that Mr. Google provided some enlightening but not very helpful results.
The general internet opinion (which I trust implicitly) seems to be based in two camps. 1) I will die a horrifying and painful death while the glass slowly lacerates my intestines. Or 2) Nothing will happen. I will be fine.
I did find a site where a guy recommended eating bread or potatoes, in the hopes that soft and mushy food will mold around the glass and somewhat protect your insides. So I used this as a medical excuse to have grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. Totally legit, I swear.
And now I’m sitting here, trying to decide if I feel any pain. Have you ever tried to do that? Because as soon as you start thinking about whether or not something is painful, I guarantee that place will immediately become painful. So how do I know if the pain is real, or in my head?
This is a question I’ve often asked, actually. What happens when a hypochondriac is actually sick. I mean, it must happen occasionally, right? There are a lot of hypochondriacs out there (hi guys!), but once in a while one of them must come down with a legitimate illness. How do they know if it’s real, or if they’re just imagining it again?
I guess the fact that I’ve been sitting here now for about 2 hours looking up google images of “lacerated intestine” answers our question. (Be thankful I didn’t post those pics!) So far no bleeding. I think pain can be phantom, but actual blood is pretty hard to imagine.
I think I’ll be okay. Updates to come, of course, if I’m not. 😉